My world

I thought lets draw how my world looks like. This is a rough draft, if am more free than today, I’ll make an elaborated one too.

Can you see some peculiarity? Is there any boundary between me and the entities in the innermost rectangle? Do you see the boundary of the white square? Or rather, do you see a white square in the middle? It is to say that well, I don’t know if there is a boundary for those close people too, its all what you perceive. (Thats what we’re learning in cognitive science by the way)

So how is the thought?

FAQ :

1. Why is the image not so fundoo?

Ans. Its made in MS Paint. With the limited functionality, (and limited time ) this is what I could do.

2. Whats happening to TV.IIIT.AC.IN ?

Ans. Its going to be up soon. My BTP and a few pending projects are coming in between. Almost everything is ready, if someone is ready to do some mechanical labour for me, I can make it working in two days.

Live in reality

If we put on pink colored glasses, everything looks pink. If its just momentary, then we remember whats reality. But then, if we keep them on for like two days, we might start thinking that the world is pink. Its only when the rosy glasses come out that you see the reality. Its not that the reality is worse than the rosy world. There are more colors in the real world per say. So, there are advantages and disadvantages.

Last month, I sneaked out for a movie in office hours. I thought that all people have been so good to me. So no one will bother if I took a little break. But I had broken rules. Immediately the HR manager called me up and asked me to return. That day one of the rosy glasses got shattered. I came to the realities of working in a company. That day I was very angry with her, but then today I realize that its better to remain in senses that to go into the rosy world and then shatter it.

Every person is different in their own way. And everyone has a certain opinion towards you. Everyone has a degree of closeness to you, from either side. Everyone has some things which are their own. Some people come so close that there is nothing hidden. Whereas in some other cases, a person maintains a protective canopy around him/her so that we can’t go beyond it.

If we keep living with a world in which all people are very close to you, you expect that everyone of them will tell you everything. But we’re not some colgate packets made in bulk. Every human is designed in a unique way. Having high expectations, and having expectations beyond a limit can be really dangerous. Not only can it lead to quarrel but it will then shatter your rosy glasses. This time its not just removing them, but shattering them, so that the glass pieces pierce your eyes and blood starts dripping.

Maybe you’ll feel I am sad or angry. But I am actually relieved. I’ve managed to survive after something similar happened to me. And now, I swear I’ll never leave the reality. I’ll not fall for fancy looking words. I’ll stick to hard facts. I’ll live in this real world. Maybe its bad, harsh, rude or anything. Maybe there is loneliness, sadness, pain. But at least I know its for real.

Core 5, TV Server, New Sysadmin, Love and more!

If you have a look at IIIT::Blogroll, most posts to me look like some kind of news stories at Slashdot. Well, maybe thats the whole idea, but that ways I should be thrown out of the blogger community, because I generally post for myself. Whatever comes to my mind, the moods, the ideas, the new things I see, the thoughts, I just jot them down. This blog is like my treasure, a log of my experiences in life (since April 2005 to be precise). Maybe I don't deserve any readers, but then, being subscribed to 'IIIT::Blogroll', I get some 'acceidental clicks'. I hope not many *actually* read the posts.

Fedora Core 5

Anyways, coming back to senses, I installed Fedora Core 5 yesterday. Finally, with a lot of waiting, I took this decision just because there was nothing better to do and some people said *it is faster and better*. Not much changed because I was already using KDE 3.5.1. It downgraded my gaim to 1.5.0 from 2.0beta3. There are no audio/video players and a lot of other goodies missing. F-Spot sucks, at least for me! I use digikam and thats good enough. I didn't find any beagle or something, except a little 'beagle indexer' in my Firefox. I don't know where all that stuff is. It seems it installed Mono on my system, don't know whats that for. And my net speed 'sucks'. No other word for that. I have been struggling with a meagre 1.2 KB/sec download speeds to get those huge RPM files. Maybe its actually down, or maybe its Fedora Core 5. All in all, my opinion is, if you have fully functional FC2, FC3 or FC4, there is no such *BIG* reason to get FC5.

TV.IIIT.AC.IN

Jawahar sir had asked me to meet him just after 4th. Maybe for me that means 6th, because I haven't met him yet. Not that its a very big issue, but still. The TV Server is not working for several reasons. One of them is failure of hardware, another is lack of motivation to repair it and third is lack of interest by people (mostly due to exams). The TV Tuner card's video reception has crashed, and hopefully is not a problem with the card. We'll be getting back in business soon. I guess people will need the server after exams get over. Hopefully I'll make it up and running before I leave the college for vacations.

Going home

Scheduled departure. 13 April 2006, Thursday, 9:25 PM. This is what my railways ticket says. Well, its not a 'departure', its basically a meeting. I'll be meeting my family, my parents, my friends and Tanu. Its Priyanka di's wedding too, this 20th. Hope it will be great fun, seeing her in a new roop of a married woman. My holidays are not very long though, I'll be returning on 1, 2 or 3 May. I've to work on my BTP henceforth.

Internships

I haven't got any internships for this summer. I applied in Kritikal, at least asked Manish to forward my CV. I guess soon there will be some communication. I hesitate to talk to Jawahar sir regarding internships. It is the only thing I hesitate to talk about. I mean, most people are afraid to say anything to him, but I generally am calm and composed in his presence. And so, most people (especially Freaky and Nikhil) push me forward for any negotiations with him. But now I feel he is a part of our life, no external thing to negotiate with. Some of the seniors might differ in opinion though. He has also assured us to forward our CV to some of the companies. Lets hope I get an internship too, though its not the end of the world for me if I don't get any.

Sysadmin

My first *odd* experience at the server room was last sunday. I desperately wanted to submit my MoMM assignment and had just 10 mins to print it. I went to Ranta sir and he told me to take a print in the server room, which was apparently open. As I was standing in the server room, waiting for my turn for the PC, the *new sysadmin* came and told us that *they* (the sysadmins) don't **generally** (as if its been years he has been here) allow printouts on sundays and asked us to leave. He even asked the person just about to click *Print* to stop and leave. We pleaded for some mins but to no avail. I wish there is at least one sysadmin from the students. Its not about me getting sysadminship, anyone could be made one, but at least one savior (I heard torrents also have been disabled, any downloaders having problems?)

Love

Well, actually I wanted to write this post about Love, but then so many other things just took over. I don't really understand what love is. At least didn't used to. Not that I know what it is now, but I am tending to understand. Earlier, I used to link it with *physical appearance*. Even now I do so. But then, this definition of loving someone's looks is a little complicated. You don't choose how your mom looks, but still you love her. You choose how your girlfriend looks and then you love her. Why is there a difference?

I got a forward about some boy loving some girl and the reason being LOVE. Later that girl gets really damaged by some accident and the boy still loves her. Though that really needs a very deep and strong kind of love, I agree to some extent to that, not that I can actually apply it. And why should I do so, nothing will happen to my loved ones yaar!

Now, I have started understanding that love is not just something physical. Its not a bondage, a burden. It not something like choosing the least worse. Its not about getting the same feeling from the other person too. Its unconditional. It doesn't make you worry more. Rather it frees you from all worries and makes you fly. It doesn't demand, rather it understands when you cannot do certain things because of your condition/constraints. Its not about just physical pleasure, its about a sense of belonging to someone, in any way possible. It doesn't let you go in depression, love is a ray of hope, its optimistic and brings a smile on your face whenever you think about it. In short, love is … something that pumps energy in me to survive.

Though my knowledge and understanding of love is very rudimentary and conflicting, this is what I've understood till now. Maybe I am wrong, inaccurate. But thats just my thoughts, anyone is welcome to correct me.

Conclusion

I saw the number of hits to my blog decreasing. I thought maybe dividing the post into smaller headings is a good idea. If anyone reads carefully, most of my posts are framed that way, just that there are no headings. Anyways, have to meet Jawahar sir today, and will look into the hardware for TV server. Have a nice day!

Ciao.

Its been so hot these days, I mean the ‘temperature has been high’. And as per Murphy’s law, my fan has stopped working since two-three days. Its kind of difficult to keep alive, many people who visit my room are amazed at my tolerance capacity, hehe.

Anyways, these days, as you all know, the R&D showcase thing is going on. Not that I’m very much involved in it. I wasn’t even told by anyone that I’d put up some project there. Actually, Tarun sir has his ‘Information retrieval from Video’ project, and my project is one of the extensions of it, the BTP I mean. So, I had to complete the pending work to make it functioning and ready for display. I’m not much happy about the project though, I mean the state in which it is right now. Big challenges are in the way right now, and hopefully next year, in R&D, people will be impressed. They wont react the way they do this time, the ‘blah, thats so simple and useless’ kind of look.

I HAD to put up the robotics project too, as it carried MARKS for putting up a project in R&D. But we weren’t ready. So, we decided to ‘lose marks’ instead of getting humiliated. Lets hope I don’t lose much from the perspective of grades.

Bush visiting ISB, this thing has been made so loudly audible. I mean, ISB isn’t even visible from here, its so far (I know its far, I run upto ISB often). And still, they’ve to increase security in IIIT, ask us to keep windows closed and all. I seriously wished someone should kill Bush when he is in ISB. And thank god our government didn’t make the ‘fast breeders’ also under the agreement between India and US. I read that we’ve developed expertise in processing fuel for fast breeders, which are some advanced kind of nuclear reactors, while US puts us in the ‘developing and unsafe’ category. If we had signed the agreement, it would have meant curbing all the research that went into that fast breeders and other processing stuff. Hail Manmohan!

Rest of the life is kind of fine. I’m still alive, in senses, very much stable (unlike what my friends think or believe).

Another thing we were talking about is, if you love someone, what does it mean by getting involved? Is there a way to stop somewhere in middle? I mean, when you love, its like it just goes on, keeps growing. Can you decide, okay fine, itna pyaar ho gaya, ab stop! Just because there is a risk, should people stop loving? And what does it mean by ‘loving in safe limits’? As in, a state from where you can recover if something crashes! What I think is, this kind of risk is everywhere. I mean, when a person invests somewhere, or a company makes a new software, or even when we decide to opt for a course through ISAS, there is always a risk that things go wrong and we reach a very unfavorable state. Knowing all this, when investors don’t stop, the companies don’t stop, nor do students, why will a person who loves someone stop? And what can he stop, thinking about the other person, meeting him/her or even having a relationship? Conclusion: Risk is everywhere. Just do what your heart says and be optimistic.

GOD Life Humanity .. some philo crap!

Well, yesterday in the hindi class, we were taught something about “Vishv Mandir”. It says that the entire world is the home of god. We should try to look into ourselves to find the god within us, instead of looking for him in temples and mosques. After this happens, there will be no discrimination, it will not be like, this is the place of god and that is not, every place will be his home. And we will find everyone as good, and we’ll love all. There will be no discrimination based on the religions.

Another thing I came to know was the meaning of the word MANDIR. I thought it was related to something about praying and that too strictly Hindu thing. But the literal meaning of the word MANDIR is home! So, actually MANDIR is called MANDIR because its the home of god. So, its kind of contradictory to say that there is a home for god, because the entire universe and maybe beyond that, this whole structure is His home, and the sooner we realize it, the better it will be.

Anyways, another doha that I came across is … (I really don’t remember it)
jab tak main tha, hari nahi they .. ab hari hai.. main nahi..

It means that till I had “ego” (main), then there was no god within me, but now that there is god within me, there is no ego left!

I came to know that Hinduism is nothing. That is there is no religion called Hinduism. Actually, the way of life in this Indian region is called Hindu culture, so basically Hinduism is a culture, and the religion of the people of Hindu culture is SANATAN DHARM. Actually, this SANATAN DHARM is also not any religion. DHARM means DUTY. So, basically these are the set of DUTIES which a human needs to follows while acting in different roles in life, like the DUTY of a Student for his teacher, for a son for his father, etc. And when there were other RELIGIONS coming in India, like Islam, then, how to distiguish? We called ourselves as of HINDU RELIGION, which wasn’t there before. And there was no concept of RELIGION in our culture, so what did we do? DHARM (which means DUTY) was also overloaded with another meaning, RELIGION. If we realize this fact, then there will be no anger for other people, and might as well help us understand our culture better.

Seems like I’ve been getting too philosophical these days, hehe. Anyways, I was just sitting and sleeping in my room, (I actually slept a lot, and missed POPL class too, along with the PT ofcourse), and suddenly a thought came to my mind.

The video of the song “Show me the meaning of being lonely - Backstreet boys” was being played on the PC. I thought how a man lives his life, has thousands of expressions, experiences, and meet so so many no. of people, and does such varied amount of things. Then, one day, he dies. Still, there are another 5 billion left on the planet, who continue living. Even when all these 5 billion will be gone, another 10 billion will start living here (population explosion, lol).

So, I thought to myself that this world is some sort of a place where everyone gets a chance to play his/her part, and when the end comes, you leave the place for others. What remains permanent? I guess almost all of us believe in, or have faith in some god. And the same god, after we are gone, will be with the other new set of people. So, this means A HUMAN BEING is basically so small in front of the ever prevailing GOD.

A forwarded mail about a girl who got 80% burnt in a car accident, and has no fingers, a non functioning eye and horrifying look now, moved me a lot. Though the forward was about driving slowly, but then I thought to myself, if for a moment we go inside her body and feel it, how would it be like? Her only chance to live on this earth has been completely damaged and made off the track. Now she has no choice but to live this burden, such horrifying and depressing. I really felt sad for that girl, I don’t know her, but still she is a fellow human. Oh dear God, don’t do this to anyone else, again.

Anyways, another thought that came to my mind is, because this is my only chance on this planet to do my part, nothing should get messed up. I don’t have a RESTART ARENA button like Quake. So, basically I would want that my life goes perfectly, I get a perfect job, or maybe do something great, I get the perfect wife, etc. But these selfish thoughts surround me a lot of times, so it was not just these this time too.

I was thinking that well, just like I want a perfect life because this is my last chance to do something, another 6 billion minus one people are also here to do the same. I mean, each and every human life, or for that matter animal life is actually acting its part for the LAST TIME. And so, we should not do something that will somehow disrupt their perfect path, or maybe help a few who are off the track.

And this is not for any COMMUNITY CAUSE, this way, I’ll be adding to my own perfect life, because in my definition, perfection also includes PERFECT IN HELPING PEOPLE. So, I don’t want to stand at the verge of dieing, and think that, Kaash, I had helped someone in this life, why did I miss doing that!!

Anyways, enough of the philosophy crap, coming back to reality. Exams are near, and I haven’t begun preparing. Six papers, Hindi, POPL and networks look easy, DIP and PR look easy but lengthy, and Compilers looks difficult, lengthy, confusing, and I am quite scared of thinking about it. Today, I am studying PR before the DIP class and maybe in the night, so, NO CHAT WITH TANU TONIGHT.

Aahhh.. forgot to mention, Tanu and I have finally come to a conclusive decision to COMPLETELY REVERT BACK TO FRIENDSHIP. There was some hesitation left, and so finally, when I boldly mailed her, explaining it all, she also conveyed that she was hesitating to tell all that to me. So, all’s well!

Piyush, a junior came to me for help regarding his project in java. He doesn’t know CPP and he wants to do JFrame and WindowListener and inheritance and interfaces in one night, can you believe that? Anyways, hope he gets it postponed somehow.

I’ve been writing in the LUG Wiki, some articles about FC4 and YUM and SQL, etc. Its fun and tonight there is a LUG meeting. Lets see what comes out of it.

Umm.. I guess that about it for today. I’ll be taking a shower and getting back to studying PR in a short while. Pray for me.

Sunday …. getting bored at home :(

Its Sunday evening, and here I am sitting idle, pretty much free, and alone. We had decided to work on our project (which we rarely do), but then Freaky wanted a break as usual.

I ordered a pizza for dinner, just because Sumeet kept on pushing me, its become a habit now. It was really awesome, what great taste, Dominos really rocks!

Anyways, I’ve been going to PT regularly these days, exercising a bit, hehe. Now its not a burden to get up and all, kind of getting into the habit of getting up early. Reminds me of this…
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy wealthy and wise…. but now they say…. Early to bed and early to rise, makes your girl go to other guys.

Err… so finally, I am here, sitting in my room, and sick people, no one is even coming online. I am thinking to myself, why didn’t I also go out somewhere? Mom called up a few mins ago, asking me about my activities, etc. I told her that I’ll prepare for the exams, so maybe in a few hours/minutes I’ll do that.

All these days have been good, not much to say anything about though. My project with Freaky has been going on well. Jawahar sir asked us to change the presentation module of our code, and show it in a more “queryable” format. We decided to use the good old MySQL. Initially it looked as if it’d simply take ages to do it, but then, it was almost done completely in one night. And when the first “simplest ever” query returned the image, WE WERE SO SO DELITED!! IT WASN’T A NEW DISCOVERY, BUT THEN, ITS JUST THAT MY CODE WORKED!! Hehe, reminds me of the tag line “Mera Code Chal Gaya!!”

Okay, I really forgot what I had written about Tanu in the last blog, so just read it again for a recap. Well, the situation is tending towards normal now. But well, there is some minimum amount of “strained feeling” in the minds of us both regarding this friendship. I mean, its not the same anymore.
NO, I don’t love her.
NO, I don’t hate her.
NO, I am not expecting any love or wanting any.
NO, I don’t want to hurt her.
NO, I am not ignoring her.

YES, I care.
YES, she is friend.
YES, I want to talk to her.
YES, I want to meet her.
YES, I want her to remain my friend, forever.

Anyways, I think it will get a little more sorted out when I talk to her face to face, but that looks like a remote possibility, because my holidays are soooo less that I might not meet her.

Okay fine, lets stop talking about her, she’s been eating up my diary space since about a month now, so, from now on we’ll talk less about her, and more about sensible topics.

There are a few assignments to be done, plus PT, plus the mid sem preparation, plus Visual Tracking project, plus Mobile Blog, plus FCC, plus, I will find a girl for me in Hyderabad, hehe.

Ohh, and forgot to mention about Riya. She has been quite dedicatedly studying and working on her project. Its been ages since I last called her. I really like her voice, and the sound of her laughter, really makes me feel, I don’t know like what. I’ve never met her and have seen her only in a really zoomed out pic (thanks to her), but she has really … err.. I am not getting any word. Anyways, she has conveyed to me that she wishes to gift me with something for whatever I did for her. I don’t really know what did I do? I mean, with text and audio, how MUCH can a person help the other? And even if I did, can’t she help me that much through text and audio in order to pay back? Anyways, whats there to pay back? It was a two way thing, give and take, and friendship mein what give and what take! Lets see, I’ve taken up the job to guide her in the project, I hope she is successful in completing it.

And on a closing note, someone please get my FAN working, its really hot in here!

Back to friendship….

I generally don’t feel comfortable when someone goes on appreciating me, saying, you’re good, too good, too too good, etc. Well, one of the reasons is that “I am not too good”, or rather “I am not even good”. What makes me good? That I am not very harsh generally? Or that I’ll be “looking” stable even if anything happens? Well, I am human too, and similar to any other, there is an “unexpectedly great reaction” to any “not so expected situation” I am put into. Its just my architecture, which is somewhat made such that, on the surface, there is almost no movement. To sum it up, most of the “approximations” saying that I am too good, or highly patient, or any other, are derived from the “surface”, and not from the “actual ME” within.

People at times think that they are too close to me (interpret it as “knowing me really well” and not as “being important for me or in my life”), and give really inaccurate opinions about me. Almost 99% of the time, the person is really important for me, and I care for him/her a lot, but, they really don’t know me. It is not because I don’t tell them the truth, but because they never ask it.

My theory about “frankness, true friends and truth” is somewhat dissimilar to what some others have. People believe that, a true/frank friend is one, which tells you the TRUTH bluntly on your face, even if you get hurt. I don’t think that this is absolutely correct. “Saying the truth” means just “conveying the exact information contained in some particular data”, there is no definition of “the format in which it is conveyed”. So, according to most people, a true person conveys the “truth” in the most blunt and harsh words possible.

Contrary to that, I feel, a true friend, in addition to conveying the “truth” should take care about the choice of words, so that “the conveyed information” remains exactly the same (as harsh as it can be), but the way of telling is smooth and soft. This should not be confused with “conveying smooth and soft truth”, here we are conveying a “harsh truth” with “soft words”.

Anyways, so knowing me has two parts, “having a real desire to know me”, which is really absent almost in all people, because people don’t have to understand me, which is anyways not so important. The second part is “really making me feel that you are the person I can open up with”. This, I feel, is not explainable in words, its just some feeling, and is definitely not IMPULSIVE.

Well, it doesn’t really mean that people around me are totally confused. This whole concept can be thought of as, to drive a car, you need to know whats the clutch, break and accelerator. Whats beneath it, you don’t really need to bother.

Coming back to reality, now I am in this new scenario, with some change of relation with Tanu. Its like, somewhat hung state between love and friendship. No, there was really no feeling of love or anything, but just that she is good and sweet, so I thought, lets see if she is girl. The distance between us, 1400 Kms is really enough to suppress any such attempt to “try” a girl.

For a few days, we really didn’t have a very well defined state, and finally she decided that we should revert back to friendship. Well, it was really relieving for me when she said that. No, its not like I made some wrong decision or something, but when she is not so ready kind of, then why take a step ahead. Now, what I think is that she really likes me or something, and slowly wants to push it somehow back on track of love.

On the contrary, now I feel that it wasn’t really correct to put myself and her in such awkward situation, and now I have stopped thinking about it in THAT direction. Rather, now I am moving towards having better friendship with her, knowing her more, but thats it. No, I am not closing doors for any possibility, but I am not looking forward to “knowing each other just because some day we want to get into a relationship”, but rather “knowing each other as friends”. So, this whole thing should be just wiped out of history, that we were ever in any such state of moving towards a relationship. Later in life, if there is a situation, when WE feel that we want a relationship, then we can think, not now. And that kind of leaves us free to go with any other person too, though “friendship” will remain, forever.

I read her diary, and she asked me to call her, well, I’ll call in some time, maybe after half and hour or so. And the kind of stuff she writes, looks like she has an obsession for me, which I really don’t want. So, I am going to advice her to stop thinking so much, just remain like, friends, not spend so much money for me, etc. And after reading her diary, I am really confused about how to react when I meet her in December.

And another issue is “I don’t want to hurt her”.

Err.. reminds me of that song, and I am imagining her singing this song in some “viraan kona” of the city maybe..

Dil mera tod diya usne, bura kyon manoo…
Dil mera tod diya usne, bura kyon manoo…..
Usko hak hai ke vo mujhe pyaar kare ya na kare…

hehehe.

Anyways, to be really optimistic, I want this to go this way.
Me and her become really good friends, no formalities and stuff, and thats it. Friendship, “the healthy relationship”, is really nice, with no problems, confusions, dilemma, etc. Maybe she is right, “friends are more important than lovers”.

Okay, cut the crap.

Rest of the life is really okayish. PR assignment was really tough, my sunday got completely used up in doing it, no masti, no going out. And I haven’t met professor Jawahar yet. He must be really pissed with our group now. I am working on the project now, and I hope I can show him something today. The “makeBoundingBox” algorithm had some flaws, which we didn’t change ever since it was first implemented, so now I am looking to correct it.

Yesterday night, we had an “all boys night”. Yes, it didn’t last till late in night because Ashish had some work. But it was fun time spent with the “boys”. And anyone trying to talk any damn thing about any girl got so much of penalty, that almost all people never dared to talk a word about any girl. We didn’t click any snaps though, but it was fun time altogether.

Today there are a few more classes, just one to be precise. Before that I need to meet Prof Jawahar. I am working on the code now, and will call “her” at lunch.

Oh, and ya, forgot to mention about “Riyanca”. She came online that evening. I was outside, so I could come online only after some time. She wasn’t talking very normally that day. A little formal kind of, more like “net friends” than like “friends”. Well, it is really hurting to me, that I am losing her. On the other hand, its good too, that she now has only one best friend, Manish, who is near her, can help her, etc. What will I do without her? Well, my words look hollow to me. Did I care as much as it seems like? Do I care even now, or its just something I am pretending to do? No, its not about pretending to the world. Its about I am pretending to myself that I care. I really don’t know the truth, as if I myself am a little far from the real me now.

Ciao.

Confused!!!!

I’ve a painful and blocked ear…. a headache . and a muddled up head… its a little chilly here… and my chair is broken.. so I’ve back ache too… and thanks to god its raining so cant go out also. This is no movie scene but what I’m in right now.

Today, sun didn’t rise for me, I was sleepy because of the chatting late in the night. Mom called up at 6, asking me to wake up for class, so I told her that its at 10. I didn’t get up for the Pattern Recognition class at 10. When the sound of my PC, my fan and the hot rays of the sun forced me to get up, it was 2 PM. I got up lazily and did nothing.

At six, I had the DIP class, so was planning to get ready in any circumstances. In the afternoon, Chahat and Tanu started talking. Chahat is Tanu’s friend from Amritsar, and is visiting her in Indore. We’ve been talking since about a week and have become good friends. Most of the time its not even possible to guess who is talking, Tanu or Chahat, but its fun.

At 5:22 PM, I went to get ready, buzzed all my friends to ask the venue of the class and then finally managed to reach class, ten minutes late, sweating and breathless. The class was good, Prof. Namboodiri is good, but it was too hectic to keep listening for an hour and half. I came back from class with a headache.

I slept in my room for a while, thinking that Chahat will go tomorrow so I should be available online to talk to her for the second last time. She didn’t come. I fell deep asleep. My friends woke me up for dinner, for which I reluctantly got dressed. The dinner was awesome, what variety and good taste, better by any standards for our mess.

I returned to my room soon, and started doing nothing. I wanted to do the assignment which the DIP prof. gave, just out of enthusiasm. When I had nothing to do, I considered reinstalling my Windows XP. Soon it was done and soon Tanu and Chahat arrived.

We started talking as usual, this and that. Chahat mentioned how Tanu took Narialpani at 11 because I had recommended. I said it was sweet. But then she insisted to say it romantically. Then Tanu came and she also “seriously” somewhat said that “she wanted a future with me”. I was confused, I was not ready for this. Not that she is bad or anything, or that I don’t like her. But thats a different issue, I’ve never thought about such a thing with her. I straight away told her that “We are just friends”. For a lot of time it was getting angry and crying and going away. I still doubted that it was all a prank.

Later, she stopped replying after saying “bye forever”. This was kind of alarming for me. This started looking serious. I didn’t want an end to friendship if I didn’t love her and she did. Its like punishing me for a crime I never did. So, I kept trying to talk, and she didn’t reply.

After I was exhausted, I switched off the lights and tried to sleep. I don’t generally ever switch off my PC, so it was on. And time and again I was looking at it for any reply. Then, my cell rang. It was Tanu! I picked up, not hesitating though, I was almost 99% sure it’d be Chahat, so she was. I explained her the whole issue and she asked me to somehow explain Tanu that I don’t love her, but we’re friends.

Now, I was more confused, it seemed real! What to do? Tanu… eh? She is not bad, looks good too… sometimes behaves impulsively, but most of the time is good to me. Why the hell did she fall in love with me?

Another thing to tell here is about my mom. Most of the time she is concerned about me, my good, etc. In the process she becomes overprotective. Most of the time she is pushing me to be with people of high academic profile. Unfortunately or fortunately, I don’t compare or make friends on the basis of academics. Tanu is doing B.Sc. which SHE doesn’t consider to be too great. So, she keeps asking, why are you meeting her, why are you going when she is inviting… and I give the usual explaination… “she’s a friend”.

So, my little brain went as far as “will my parents accept her”. Not that I was ready for all this, but still. Chahat asked me to think about the matter, and so I was thinking. Also, surfing the net and talking about it with an internet friend.

Just then, then phone rang, Tanu again! I didn’t know who would it be. But this time I was more bold and cheerful. One of the reasons was, whether a friend or a girl I like, or even the worst girl proposes you, your ego gets a cusion, an enhancement, and thats what happened, not that I wanted any relationship, but my mind had started to think.

She told me that it was a little prank about a bet to test how innocent I was. I said it was okay, talked for a while and then said bye.

This is the moment where I am sitting in front of the PC, just after 10-15 mins after I received the call. This state of mind is kind of blank. Just nothing coming to mind, as if there is no brain or no sensation. Why should I be sad? I didn’t have any feelings. Why should I be happy? A girl just dumped me, even without first accepting. I wanted just friendship, then what is it that went wrong? She and Chahat are done with their “test” for my purity.

I want to come out of this place as soon as possible. I don’t want to sleep, but how will I attend the class tomorrow? This watch of mine in the PC shows 8:47 AM, so I don’t even know what the right time. And it looks to me that I am typing meaningless things in the blog, the description of today is over, but I just don’t want to stop. There is nothing to do.

Okay, I stop. We’ll try to sleep once more. I told Chahat too, that you’ve just eliminated “half the tension”. God help me.